Best Performance Award
There’s exciting news in the ongoing battle against the Chinese Virus, or as it is sometimes called the Kung Flu, or the Flu Manchu, or the Mulan Flu, or the Disney Worldwide Pandemic. Dr. Anthony Fauci has been given the coveted Andrew Cuomo special Emmy award for best performance as an expert, giving advice during a disaster when it would have been nice to have an actual expert giving actual advice. The lovely trophy consists of a hockey mask crossed with a butcher knife covered in what is either bronze or dried blood (It is difficult to tell which without getting closer than is considered safe).
Dr. Fauci won the special Emmy for his role in giving such memorable pieces of advice as:
· Do not wear a mask.
· No, I only said do not wear a mask because we needed the masks.
· Wear a mask.
· Wear two masks.
· Wear as many masks as it takes to get you to shut up.
· I did not say do not wear a mask.
· Well, what do I care as long as you continue to shut up?
Fauci also advised those who were concerned about catching the Chinese Flu, or the regular flu, or a cold, or warts, or an uncomfortable breeze out of the north, or any other disease or possible cause of a disease, to shelter in place, breathe as little as possible and hop on one foot bobbing your head from side to side so the germs would have a hard time hitting you as they flew by. Fauci recommended you continue to do this until late spring, or until death passes from the earth, whichever comes second.
The Andrew Cuomo Emmy was presented by Cuomo himself in a Zoom call from an undisclosed location where the governor is hiding while police continue their nationwide manhunt for the man believed to be responsible for the deaths of more than 13,000 elderly people in the state of New York. In his presentation speech, Cuomo said, “I just want to say to police officers everywhere that you lousy screws will never take me alive because I’m not going back to prison so eat lead John Law!” Cuomo then climbed to the top of a gas tank and shouted, “Top of the world Ma!” and blew himself to kingdom come rather than confess his crimes.
In accepting the coveted Cuomo Emmy, Dr. Fauci said he was thrilled to finally be free of the suffocating presence of Donald Trump so he could now tell America the full truth. Namely, that he borrowed his medical degree from Jill Biden and, “I don't know nuttin’ about curing no diseases.”