New Afghanistan Strategy
Rapidly adapting to facts on the ground, the Biden administration has announced a change in its Afghanistan strategy. Abandoning their plans for a criminally incompetent and chaotic withdrawal recklessly scheduled for slimy political reasons, they are adopting a new policy of abject and humiliating surrender to a medieval enemy. The change in tactic was announced at a ceremony in the capitol building where a clown car drove into the rotunda and the representatives of the white house, the state department, and the pentagon, poured out of the tiny car wearing hilarious oversized shoes and adorable red noses that honked when you squeeze them. Fake news anchorman Brian Williams commented on the delightful ceremony from an evacuation helicopter built on the set of his MSNBC show and jiggled around to make it look like it was flying through flak. Williams said, “You have to admire this American president for openly embracing the fact that he's a clown. I just sort of wish he wasn't that clown from that Stephen King movie”. Considering the new abject policy, White House bespoke woman Jen Psaki issued new advisories for those Americans and Afghanis completely abandoned to our victorious enemies.
1) For those 12-year-old girls being forced to quote marry Taliban soldiers, the white house advises they immediately identify as male then the Taliban won't be able to marry them because Islam disapproves of homosexuality.
2) The Taliban should change its outmoded attitudes to homosexuality and embrace gay pride as symbolized by the rainbow flag we stuffed in the trash so no one would find it as we're desperately fleeing our embassy.
3) In accordance with American military policy, all Afghanis should begin to study white rage and its causes, like the fact that you've been abandoned by the American military whose generals were too busy studying white rage to bother winning a war.
4) When rushing the walls of Kabul airport and hurling your children over the barbed wire in the desperate hope some kindly GI will take them in and raise them as his own, don't forget to wear a mask. You don't want to catch COVID while you're being slaughtered by terrorists.
5) It is irresponsible to say that Americans are stranded in Afghanistan. Think of them instead as waiting for a ship while sitting on a desert island that hasn't been discovered yet but instead of being surrounded by water they're surrounded by blood and guns.
In bowing to all the Taliban's demands, president Biden has set a fine example for all Americans to live in fear and obey our new Islamist overlords. Remember these people are heavily armed. We know this because they're using abandoned American weapons so be like Joe Biden, just give them whatever they want, and they'll be more friendly. Get more information about the new Biden policy of abject surrender on an hour-long CNN special hosted by Matthew Dowd and entitled, “Why our Humiliating Defeat is a Glorious Victory”. You will want to tune in as long as the Taliban says it's okay.