New CDC Guidelines
The CDC has issued new guidelines in the hope of brightening our day with the solace of knowledge during this difficult time. The CDC, which is short for “C DC has even corrupted the medical profession”, said it was issuing the new guidelines in response to deepening fears that blaming Trump and Fox News for their incompetence was not fooling anybody. the new guidelines are as follows:
Guideline One: Do not panic! Calmly and quietly lock yourself inside your apartment and in an orderly manner collect all your furniture and pile it up against the door. Do not allow anyone to come close to you, or touch you, or make prolonged eye contact with you, or call you by terms of familiarity like bud, or bro, or mom, or dad. It might just be a trick to get on your good side then give you the disease. Once you've let your guard down, remember we are all in this together, except for everyone else.
Guideline B: Follow the science! If anyone exhibiting symptoms comes in sight, immediately make the sign of the cross and hold up a clove of garlic. Preferably, garlic that has been minced then simmered in butter with just a hint of lemon juice and perhaps a sprig of parsley, then cleanse your immediate area by uttering an incantation of appeasement to the Queen Priestess while cutting off the head of a chicken that has been dressed up to look like Dr. Fauci. In fact, if possible, everyone should dress up like Dr. Fauci. That way, if they get sick at least their neighbors will have the satisfaction of saying, “Hahaha, it is about time that lying bastard got his!”
Guideline 5 Subsection H Article 12: Get vaccinated but don't act as if you've been vaccinated! Such acts might encourage others to get vaccinated and eventually everyone would be walking around happy-go-lucky and feeling fine and that is no way to behave in a terrible situation like this. One the point is to develop herd immunity, which is where you have heard you might have immunity but you might not, so you still have to cower in your apartment in fear then die.
Guideline J: Wear a mask! Even if you've been vaccinated, even if you're barricaded alone in your apartment, even if you are already dead and have rotted away to a skeleton skull, you should still have a mask on. Don't just wear one of those boring blue masks, put on something festive like a My Little Pony bandana or a Michael Myers head. Let's try to make this fun!
Finally, guideline 8, or 2, or maybe Y: Wrap your children in plastic! Also, keep them home from school forever. You might even want to poison them in their sleep like that Nazi woman in the movie “Downfall” so that they can die without ever having suffered from this horrible disease and its attendant cough and runny nose. A little empathy can go a long way!
The CDC says the new guidelines will remain in place until Democrats stop congratulating themselves on their latest misguidance, or until a Republican is elected president, whichever comes first.