• Mark My Words

Happy Happy Goodness Sparkles

Twitter and YouTube have announced new terms of use policies banning statements that are true. Users will now be asked to agree not to post any tweets or videos that contain any remark or suggestion that anything that is the case is the case, or that anything that happened occurred, or that any self-evident fact is evident or a fact. Users who violate the new terms will have their tweets and videos removed from the platform and will be barred from using the sites until they vote Democrat, watch CNN, and indicate that they have stopped believing in the concept of truth altogether. In the unlikely event that someone views the truth on these platforms, those users will be asked to swear by the head of a goat or Joe Biden that they did not believe the said truth, or they have forgotten that they ever saw it, or will pretend that they have forgotten it and then will forget the truth that they are pretending to have never seen. The first user who foregoes all truth-telling in any form whatsoever will be given the Jen Psaki Award for Best Social Media User, will be invited to co-host Good Morning America, and will most likely be George Stephanopoulos.


Included among every true thing that has been banned from the sites are such obvious truths like men cannot become women even if they remove their man parts and wear pearls, women cannot become men even if they speak in a low voice and hog the remote, and climate change is not an existential threat to anything except souvenir snow globes that depict Miami. Furthermore, any suggestion on either site that the last presidential election was rife with fraud will be edited to replace the word “fraud” with the phrase, “Happy-happy-goodness-sparkles”. Anything spoken by Donald Trump or anything that sounds like it might have been spoken by Donald Trump will be removed since it sounds too much like the truth hence is no longer allowed.


YouTube’s new terms of use also include a provision banning all videos in which doctors fail to inspire terror over COVID-19, or include the words “Chinese”, “Wuhan”, or “Disney+ communist death bug”, in any context that would suggest the disease came from where it came from or should be blamed on the country that is to blame. The doctors in such videos will also be asked to surrender their license to practice medicine and will be required to walk on their knees to downtown San Francisco where they will be forced to watch insurrection videos reenacted by democratic congressional members until they sign a statement proclaiming that election security is racist. Any suggestion from YouTube members implying that election security is not racist, or that anything is not racist, or the statement that something that is not racist is not racist will be labeled as being racist thus violating the terms of agreement and will also be removed.

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