With no challenger in sight, Speaker Nancy Pelosi breezed through her reelection bid in the House leadership vote and moved into her final two-year term in the high-profile post. Discussing the move with reporters, one Democrat congressman, who asked to remain anonymous while wearing a fake mustache in a dark room with all the reporters facing away from him with their eyes closed, explained the move saying, “Now that we will be working with Joe Biden. We wanted a leader who speaks his language, namely incomprehensible rambling trailing off into bizarre non-sequiturs followed by aggressive looks as if something meaningful has been said.”
After accepting the speaker's gavel, Pelosi said, “This is a great day for whatever country we are in. I was glad I was gratified to win this vote even though I couldn't be present for it because I walked into a broom closet by mistake and was gossiping with a friend for two hours before I realized she was actually a mop. I have to say she was surprisingly intelligent for a cleaning implement and I am hoping to enlist her in running whatever organization I have been made the head of.”
Speaker Pelosi then announced her first bill of the new session, which would create the post of person who wipes off the lipstick after she accidentally draws a mouth on her forehead. Another high-ranking democrat, who has to remain anonymous while speaking from an undisclosed location on a burner phone equipped with an electronic voice changer while holding a handkerchief over his, or possibly her mouth, told reporters, “We thought Nancy Pelosi was the best choice for speaker because she is completely out of her mind and she not only screwed up every aspect of the last election, but has spent the last two hours in the closet trading gossip with a mop. Who else would want the job of leading an institution that hasn't actually done anything since 1985?”
The interview came to a sudden end when police rushed into the capital to protect Pelosi, who had complained of being attacked by a mad woman with a gavel, before she realized she was hitting herself in the head with a gavel.