The ratings for the National Basketball Association’s finals have hit rock-bottom and baffled NBA officials are trying to determine why America doesn’t want to watch a group of multi-millionaires throw a ball around while disrespecting a country that gave them everything that they have while wearing jerseys commemorating a Marxist terrorist group that has been burning down cities over absolutely nothing for the past few months or so.
NBA commissioner Will Fullyblind said he was stymied by the ratings drop when speaking to a reporter who was on his way to cover something that people cared about more than the NBA which could have been a supermarket opening or a really big pothole. Mr. Fullyblind said, “I just can’t understand it. These NBA stars are incredibly good at bouncing a ball up and down and then throwing it through a metal hoop. So why don’t people want to watch them spit on the memories of men and women who have fought and died for the country that they are disrespecting for no reason?”
Commissioner Fullyblind said that he was shocked to find that even the audience for the Lakers game, featuring Lebron James, now consisted of cardboard cutouts of human beings placed in the stands, many of whom left early to beat the cardboard traffic back to their cardboard homes. There was an additional 178 people who were also watching the games on T.V., but they were also cardboard.
Mr. Fullyblind then told the janitor, who could not get out of the men’s room as it was blocked by cardboard people waiting to pee, “I thought everyone would want to see Lebron James criticize America on issues about which he knows nothing, especially when he kept silent on the oppression and torture of people in China so that he could keep getting his paycheck. After all, no one can bounce a ball like King James bounces a ball and if ball bouncing is not the most important thing, then I do not know what is!"
The finals will continue at some time, on some channel and somewhere, somebody someday might care.