• Mark My Words

Words Have Meaning


Dr. von Schmuck explains his new experiment
Dr. von Schmuck explains his new experiment

Leftist scientists working around the clock have made the amazing discovery that by changing the words people use they can transform physical reality. The changed words then make the world just and fair. Everyone will be happy, except for all the people who are not allowed to say what they mean. Lead leftist scientist, Dr. Otto von Schmuck, explained this amazing scientific breakthrough in a paper entitled, “Follow the Science and Do Whatever We Tell You”, which he delivered last year to the Nancy Pelosi Society for the Advanced Study of Shut the Hell Up.


In the paper, Dr. von Schmuck said, “In our experiments, we noticed that words changed reality. For instance, by speaking the words ‘I do’, a man and woman can be transformed into a husband and wife becoming one flesh in the eyes of God never to be torn asunder by man, unless they get bored, or see someone hotter, or just can't stand the damn nagging anymore, so we decided to see what other transformations we could create by speaking the proper words in order to make the world even a better place.”


Dr von Schmuck explained how in one recent experiment, Demi Lovato said she wanted to become non-binary and so changed her pronouns to they and them, as in the sentences, ‘Who the hell is they.’ and ‘I never heard of them.’ and ‘I guess they doesn't know there's no such thing as non-binary’. Once using these new pronouns, Lovato was transformed from a washed-up pop star desperate for attention into a washed-up pop star with a weird mental disorder. This made the world more equal and happier by creating an opening in the music business for a person with talent and a lesser mental disorder.


Dr. von Schmuck said his team went on from there to transform a man into a woman merely by having him say, “I am a woman”, and then forcing everyone to agree with him without secretly laughing. The man instantly became a woman and while it was true the woman could not create life or humanize existence with domestic love, she did display other essentially female traits like wearing lipstick and becoming completely uncontrollable when near puppies. Unfortunately, the entire experiment collapsed when one person in Borneo referred to the subject as him on twitter then the subject instantly ceased to be a woman and became an old Monty Python sketch about a guy in a dress.


Dr. von Schmuck said that after these successful experiments, he believed he could now transform Hamas from genocidal terrorists into militants, transform unborn babies into mere clumps of cells, turn socialism into a moral economic system, and recreate Joe Biden as a sentient human life form but first, he would need to get people to stop telling the damn truth.

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