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  • Writer's pictureMark My Words

Biden: Future King of Executive Orders

Stack of Executive Orders to be Signed by Biden

Venal house plant and President Joe Biden continues to churn out executive orders in record numbers proving once again the truth of the old expression, “This is not a nation of men but of men churning out executive orders in record numbers.” To help you keep the orders straight so you can determine which one should cause you to laugh hysterically while slapping the table with your open palm and which ones will suddenly interrupt your hysterical laughter by repeatedly stomping on your face with the jack boot of tyranny, the following partial list of executive orders has been compiled:

· Executive order number 6477 deals with preventing prejudice against transgender persons and other guys who happen to like wearing dresses. This order forbids federal employees to laugh at, point at, or comment on the looks of Assistant Secretary of Health Rachel Levine until after he has left the room and the door closes so they are sure he is out of earshot. The order also forbids federal employees to misgender people by calling them miss while they are pretending to be a different gender or pretending to be one of any number of made-up genders or pretending to be an oak tree or a pair of tweezers. Federal employees who are transgender are to be given the satisfaction of knowing that everyone around them is forbidden to say out loud what they really think of them but still are permitted to lie awake at night staring at the ceiling because they know that no one's being honest with them only this time by federal order.

· Executive order number six and eleventy twelve provides a four hundred thousand dollar per year award for the son of any president who breaks the record for executive orders. Said president will then become known as the King of Executive Orders and will wear a cardboard crown from a fast-food restaurant while cabinet members circle around his desk waving their arms in the air and singing, “You are the King of all the Presidents” in A minor. The cash prize will be used by the president's son to establish a business relationship with the Chinese government with all proceeds from said business to be spent on cocaine and prostitutes except for 10 percent which will be held over for “The big guy whose identity will be established later and then suppressed by the media”.

· Executive order number seven tenths of a quarter mega-thousand seeks to eliminate systemic racism by keeping schools closed until all teacher’s union members get tired of hanging out on the beach. This will ensure that minority children have teachers who are tanned, rested, and ready so their children will be better educated when they never return to school.

For more information on these and other B-Man executive orders, call the white house hotline, listen to muzak by Xie Zhongqi for 17 minutes, then hang up and sob quietly into your copy of the already tear-soaked Constitution.

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