At the democratic national convention this week, the democratic ticket for the November election was presented with confidence. Presidential nominee Joe Biden, who clawed all the way to fifth place in the New Hampshire primaries and his vice president to be Kamala Harris, who famously flamed out two months prior to the Iowa caucuses, have now been presented to the democratic voters as the perfect ticket. This proves once again that participation trophies are perfectly acceptable credentials of success in the liberal world.
Kamala gave a heartwarming speech of praise for the impeccable integrity of Joe, while she quietly advanced her previous accusations of him as rapist and bigot to their sentencing prior to being sent to the penitentiary of forgotten beliefs and buried convictions. Her speech was eloquently written, flowing with the cadence of memorized propaganda and beautifully delivered as if poetic rhetoric was actually part of her soul. She appeared to have pivoted to become a changed woman, exuding moderation much as a tree exudes sap, and ready to uphold justice and equality for even the least deserving.
From his basement for three nights in a row, Joe’s eyes were affixed to his Acer laptop with a look of jaw-dropping amazement as he watched the synchronized prerecorded presentation of spun hyperbole and pretty colors. His look then changed to a mix of bewilderment and confusion as he began to wonder how he would do the thing, and then to a look of relaxed tranquility when he remembered again that Kamala had been inserted as his vice president to be. He felt consolation in knowing that she would be there to prop him up to face the many challenges of presidency and then fluff his pillows again to enjoy many restful naps. On the fourth night when it was his turn in the spotlight, he focused on carefully reading the many comforting phrases and blanket promises from his favorite piece of paper. It was truly a culminating celebration of an empty platform delivered from an empty stage to empty seats thus filling the empty voids in the souls of his indoctrinated followers with even more emptiness.
The watching eyes of looters, rioters and other democrats swelled with tears, which rolled down their cheeks and into their soon-to-be mandatory masks. Face coverings store the tears as liberal energy to be later converted to either punctuating emphasis when shouting disparaging slogans of disdain or extra protection from retribution when hurling fiery objects into federal buildings and shattered storefronts.
As Joe finished up his night, he thanked everyone for attending his birthday party and for the lovely surprise of a full-length bath robe with matching slippers. He rested his eyes and dreamed of wearing his new gifts the next morning while relaxing on the patio drinking milk for strong bones and planning his next bike ride with friends that he can’t remember the names of.