The Washington Post, where democracy dies in darkness gagging on the lives of ignorant journalists then vomiting up left-wing insanity and finally convulsing on the floor in a pool of undeserved self-regard, recently published a headline describing the government's so-called Coronavirus Relief Bill. The Post's headline read, “Biden Stimulus Showers Money on Americans Sharply Cutting Poverty in Defining Move of Presidency”.
Now, I know what you are thinking. Oh, you incorrigible distributor of a hilarity-based hullabaloo! Even your incomparable satirical bloviating sometimes goes too far! The Washington Post would not stoop to such transparent partisan toadying that a normal individual would hesitate to use its pages as the lining to a birdcage for fear its journalism would be indistinguishable from the crap that would drop on it.
But no, I did not make this headline up. That was the actual Washington Post headline describing a bill dispersing 1.9 trillion make-believe dollars to various progressive programs under the deceptive heading of coronavirus relief which represents only a small percentage of the spending. Since American journalism has vanished up its own fundament, where democracy really does die in darkness, I have decided to offer you this handy guide to what the bill purports to make up for during the havoc caused by the lockdowns: • The bill will disperse $1400 to each person who is now unemployed, underemployed, or simply using another person’s Social Security number all while buying a sense of unity for Americans. • The bill provides $17 billion to be stuffed into a big helium balloon and then floated into the sky until the balloon pops and all Americans shout in unison, “Goodbye taxpayer money!” • To ensure electoral fairness, the bill provides $400 billion dollars which will be arranged in the shape of Cuba and then declared the 51st state with 19 additional Democrat representatives. • To provide education for minority children, the bill includes $34 billion dollars to teachers’ unions so they can weave the dollars into hammocks that they can then lie on while they are not providing education for minority children. Any money left over from this allotment will go to beer. • To keep our lawmakers safe, the bill provides $72 billion for security to prevent anyone from entering the capitol building who believes in representative government or has read the constitution. • To provide actual relief from the Chinese Virus, congressmen and women will drive down the streets of their districts hurling dollar bills at the little people. The dollar bills can then be used as Kleenex for people who still need money or woven into masks to be worn at a masquerade party where people will be allowed to dress up as Washington or Lincoln if no one remembers who they were or what they stood for. • Any trillions remaining in the bill will be used for bribes.