New Debate Format Announced
In the aftermath of this week’s tumultuous debate, the commission on presidential debates has announced that it is changing the debate rules. The commission, which was first formed in Portugal in 1486 in hopes that there would one day be a country where a wild-eyed real estate developer could beat the crap out of a sad old man while the entire population looked on in horror and then turn the channel to see what else was on, consists of five members. According to the commission charter, there must be at least one lesbian, two dentists, a ballerina named Leopold and a Romanian, all of them played by Chuck Todd. They meet regularly in a secret fortress nestled in the specter-haunted crags of Mt. Nugatory where they are licensed by magic dwarves to craft the debate rules in such a way as to make the rules and the debate itself completely irrelevant.
After this week’s debacle, which the commission members considered one of their best, the commission issued the following amendments: 1. From now on, anytime Donald Trump is making a good point, Chris Wallace will jump out suddenly from random locations, place his thumbs in his ears, wiggle his fingers and shout, “OOGA, BOOGA!” in an attempt to throw the President off his game. 2. Future debates will be moderated by Steve Scully and Kristen Welker except when Chris Wallace is required to jump out, do the finger thing and shout, “OOGA, BOOGA!” 3. Joe Biden will have to allow everyone to hear the queues coming in over his secret headset and to make it more entertaining, the queues will be sung to the score of the 1960 musical “Camelot” 4. Every ten minutes, Donald will be asked to denounce white supremacy until he gets sick and tired of it and refuses, whereupon he will be labeled as a white supremacist, also sung to the score of the musical “Camelot”
In short, the next debate will be almost the same as the last one except Joe’s walk-on music will be a rendering of “Help Me Make It (To My Rocking Chair)” by B. J. Thomas. It shall be sung in the key of G. Chris will excel at his new role, and Antifa will become a theory instead of an idea.