Progress in Modern Times
The Biden administration is shaping up to be the most progressive leadership since FDR extended the great depression for 10 years. Everything about old Joe is progressive, from his dementia and his national debt to that clueless look on his face that fills you with the confidence that someone else must be running the country. In fact, we're just so totally doomed in that some of you may be beginning to say to yourself, “Whoa! Hold the phone! Just how much of this wonderful progress can we make before we've progressed so far that we that can no longer even see America in the rearview mirror?” To avoid the horrifying answer to that question let us instead review some of the progress we have made so far:
· In the bad old days, patriarchal families trapped their sons and daughters in restrictive gender roles. Now we have progressed to the point where government schools can teach our children about fluid sexual identities until they are fully prepared for self-mutilation and suicide.
· In the past, creepy perverts were tormented by disgusting and destructive sexual fetishes. Now they can just call them identities and carry on.
· In former times, American blacks and whites could only slowly rise out of the racist hostilities that cause segregation and mutual hatred. Now we have finally progressed to the point where your color denotes your level of racism.
· Once upon a time, the American military was limited to annoyingly macho, battle-ready men who only knew how to lay waste to our enemies and strike terror into the hearts of murderous regimes. Today our military is preparing for the future by including men who think they are women in our fighting forces and learning to speak Chinese.
· It used to be that the value of money was tied to the amount of gold in Fort Knox, a meaningless and nonsensical connection that limited the nation's spending to the arbitrary amount of cash we just happened to have. Today, we have progressed to the point that when the government needs more money all it must do is open another box of Monopoly. We can finally distribute wealth to the needy until every single person in America can build a hotel on Boardwalk while sleeping on Skid Row at the same time.
· In days of yore, we had to live in fear of fascism and communism. Today, our government is surrounded by armed guards and barbed wire and anyone who disagrees with the ruling party will be silenced.
Hooray for America! We have nothing worse to fear! We are all progressing so fast that soon we will have come full circle and be living like savages with our bodies covered in tattoos and our faces pierced with adornments while we listen to primitive rhythmic music and commit more outrages and violence at will. At last, we will know that we have reached the level of Los Angeles in so many aspects.