The Four Crises
The Department of Homeland Security has issued an alert, warning that violent right-wing extremists may do untold damage to our country before democrats have a chance to destroy it completely themselves. President Biden moved quickly to counter the threat by signing an entire ream of absurd executive orders in the hope that he could reduce the nation to rubble before conservatives are able to attack it. Although Biden said that he did not have the opportunity to read the orders that he signed, he hoped Americans would help him achieve his goals by just accepting that they are now out of work.
The White house states that America is facing four simultaneous crises, which it listed in order of complete insignificance as:
1) The shortage of inane slogans designed to make us hate each other.
2) The specious plausibility that energy is destroying the weather.
3) A hysterical fantasy about minorities being minorities.
4) The requirement to wear so many masks that no will understand what Joe is saying.
To tackle these and other rhetorical boondoggles, the White House declared Wednesday “Climate Day” and to ensure the continued existence of air, the President destroyed the energy sector. He would then blow on a pinwheel with enough force to generate the energy to power a flashlight so that unemployed oil workers could see their way to sticking their heads in their gas ovens which would now be rendered perfectly safe. President Biden recommended that the former oil workers either learn to code or stick their heads in the toilet instead, and flush repeatedly. Biden also said that he also was moving to present to the nation what is either called “Environmental Justice” or just a series of “Fart-like Noises” that are equally meaningless.
The President said, “We must understand that the make-believe climate crisis unfairly impacts our hysterical fantasies about minorities because minorities breath more air than non-minorities. My plan will make up for past injustices when non-minorities hogged all the air because now all Americans will be equally denied air due to the multiple masks. I’m still working on the inane slogan issue.”
After “Climate Day”, Biden said that he would declare “Education Day” to celebrate that teachers unions have successfully closed the schools to ensure that minorities do not get enough education to realize what democrats are doing to them. After that, there will be “Racial Violence Day” when he will sign an executive order ensuring that every American minority member will receive a free gas can and a match so that they too can celebrate. Finally, will be “Teletubby Rerun Day” because the President really happens to enjoy that show.
Democrats feel that by the end of next week they will have outsmarted the violent right-wing extremists who would show up to attack the country and find only a smoking hole in the ground where the country used to be. Oh, how the democrats will have the last laugh then.