• Mark My Words

The Transition of the White House


The White House will slowly open the doors so that Joe can move his walker in ahead of inauguration day.

President Trump has given orders to formally begin the transition process with President-Elect Joe Biden. The process will include stocking the resolute desks with crayons, changing video camera settings to include subtitles so that people can understand what the hell Biden is talking about, and of course, teaching white house employees not to laugh when the new president babbles incoherently or cannot find his way back to bed from the bathroom. The nation meanwhile will prepare for the transition by practicing having less money and by watching the news with their jaws on their chests as reporters are miraculously transformed from raging beasts challenging the president's every assertion to cuddly childlike little creatures reminiscent of the Ewoks in the Star Wars movie except without testicles or brains.


President Trump wants to be careful to maintain American tradition and so, having graciously permitted the transition to continue, he will now order the FBI to start bugging Joe’s phone and the CIA to leak damaging disinformation to the press while news anchors wear serious faces even as they make hilariously absurd assertions about the incoming president and compare him to Hitler for no discernible reason.


Some Democrats and journalists, while indistinct from each other, have objected to the process. Congressman Adam Schiff announced, “It is absolutely disgraceful that the president should stoop to using the tactics of Democrats by harassing and investigating the new president. If he is going to be as dishonest as we are, the country will never come together into that state of unity in which everyone agrees with us even though we ruin everything we touch. If republicans begin sinking to the level of Democrats, where will it end? I mean look at me for instance, I am worse than Joe McCarthy! If President Trump begins acting like me, the country is doomed!”


Trump says that he will begin slowly easing in to the transition, even though he is not finished challenging the election results, because he needs more time to place whoopee cushions in all the white house chairs.

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