The Tumultuous Transfer of Tyranny
This past week, Americans were once again treated to the glorious spectacle of the almost entirely peaceful transition of power with just a minimum loss of human life. Donald Trump ended his presidency and Joe Biden took office in a manner that mirrored some of the most famous moments in American history like the draft riots, the burning of Atlanta, and that time Joe Pesci's character shot that kid in the bar over nothing and then had to bury him in the cellar.
As the inspiring pageantry of democracy unfolded, citizens of this great nation looked on, standing side by side, until separated by the police. In his usual easy-going and graceful fashion, Donald Trump left a humorous note for his successor saying, “Well punk, you got away with it and i wish you a successful presidency for the next two weeks until Kamala slips the knife in.” Trump also did not forget the delightful transition tradition of playing a prank on the new president, just as Bill Clinton's staff removed all the w's from the white house keyboards when George W. Bush took office, so Trump's people left a whoopee cushion on the chair in the oval office and armed the cache of explosives planted by QAnon during their guided tour of the white house basement.
Late Tuesday night, in a moving farewell address to the nation, Trump promised his supporters he would “Return in some form, possibly the form of the Stay-Puft marshmallow man”. He then flattened the capitol building as he stomped off into the sunset.
The Biden inauguration took place before an empty mall, meant to symbolize all the people who voted for Joe Biden because they really believed in him. Biden chose to swear the oath of office with his hand on his personal copy of “Goodnight Moon” and made a stirring speech saying he planned to be the president of all Americans, whether they are easily manipulated women, men who think they are women, self-destructive minorities, or individuals with some hitherto unheard-of perversion that we all now have to pretend is not as repellent as everybody secretly knows it is. Biden went on to say he hoped Americans could forget the past and come together because it would be awfully expensive to keep 25,000 national guardsmen on duty to protect him for the next four years.
The media universally agreed that Biden's inaugural speech was the finest since Lincoln's, that Kamala Harris was a historic figure, that Jill Biden was a doctor, and all sorts of other crap like that. In Heaven, It is said that even God greeted the historic event with a round of applause until he remembered that he had the whole world in his hands and could accidentally crush his greatest achievement. He decided to leave the crushing to sleepy Joe as the President was already doing a fine job crushing Republicans, oil and gas workers, and progress made in the Paris Climate Agreement.